Sunday, July 29, 2012

A chapter closes.

I shouldn't post this here first.

But something about the anonymity (despite the fact I know a great deal of locals keep tabs on me right here), makes it easier. Or maybe, because I don't need to speak a word to have my say.

Yesterday, the BF and I decided to seperate. As far as I am moving out and finding my own place. My own way in life.

8.5 years.

I knew it was coming. I tried to fight it, tried to wish it different. Worked really, really hard to keep it all together.

I keep thinking back to years ago when I read a "Self-Help" book. I hate those books. But the author said "Stop rowing". And if you stop doing all the rowing in the relationship, do things stop moving? Are you doing all of the work?

It seemed to have gotten that way. I was willing to never stand up for myself to try to keep from a fight. And then when I did fight, he never seemed to fight fair. As he got more and more irritated with me, I was drowned in a mess of guilt and hurt and desperation. I can say, honestly, I believed I could change. Into the person he wanted.

The problem, was that I did. Only he never seemed to change himself. And I watched as he became more and more bitter at me. The harder I tried, the more I tried, the more hurt I became. And the further apart we difted.

I'm not faultless, but as the years went by, I went from feeling pretty darn special and wonderful, to have a really low self-esteem. I was never good enough. Could never get anything right.

It gets to you. I was scared to do things, because I was scared to screw them up. It was inevitable wasn't it?

These last couple of months, I've been finding my inner strength. I put in so much of myself into that horse trailer, and proved a valuable lesson to myself: "I AM STRONG". I can do anything, and I am a capable, competent and talented person.

That's what gave me the strength to confront him. And while the words hurt, and the pain still stings, I, when in the light of day, feel freed. The hurt is there, but it's mine. It's not crying at night and not knowing why. Not knowing why I was yelled at, or why he wouldn't speak to me, or wondering if it really was so terrible that I didn't do something so basic.

It's a raw pain. I believe he said it was like ripping a wound wide open, so now it can heal.

I cry a lot. I was living for the future. The house we would build, the family we would create, the dreams we would find together.

I let myself be trodden on, because I wasn't willing to give up those dreams. I hoped, and prayed, that he would come around.

I actually devalued myself by doing it. Today, I'm finding my worth again. And it's hard. But I will not, never again, let someone take me for granted. Nor will I let them not appreciate the wonderfulness of who I am. I will never again be scared of someone or of standing up for myself. Speaking up for myself. I will not be belittled or made to feel anything less than wonderful. I can't. Never again.

I'm not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing from here. I have my dreams. Always my dreams. And I will not let go of them. I'll find my way, as I always do. I will have my creatures. Those creatures that carry me through the dark times. The rough times. My Halo, the best piece of white fluff around. I will never leave her. I need her by my side.

And Mr. Moon. It's hard when your creatures remind you of that person. I still love him, he still loves me. But we have things to work on. And I don't know anymore if I'm willing to give up another 8 years of my life to go nowhere. To be hurt again. Love, is strong. But love can't hold you together. Everyone needs to row the boat.

Mr. Moon is a huge part of my world. A necessary part. I'll ride more, sink myself into the training and horses and that part of me. I'll do what I can, and know that no matter what my future holds, I'll have taken the time for the things that I love.

I may write off and on for the next while. I don't know. It'll be less pony-ish I bet, as I'll be caught within my personal turmoil. Where to live? What to do? How to rebuild my personal strength. 8 years is a very long time. A long time to lose yourself. My entire "planned" future is no more, and I must struggle to set the present right. Only then can I start my journey to what I will become.

Whatever that may be.

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