Sunday, August 26, 2012

It all falls apart.

This isn't going to be very horse-related, but it's me related, so it ends up here anyway...

So yesterday I spent the morning with my folks at a farm auction, it was all nice and wonderful and afterwards my dad helped me change my transmission fluid. My car, perhaps 10 times or so, when backing down our inclined parking pad, has briefly ground its gear before shifting. We're talking SECONDS. I had it at the dealership 2 months ago (remember the last time it fell apart on me?), and they said the transmission fluid was starting to be discolored so I should change it.

We changed the fluid, no biggie, go to back the car out of the garage and...


Shift through all the gears, try again...


Run to town, get some transmission stabilizer to hopefully just get it to a dealership for a trade in, and...


Yup. It would not reverse. Just GRINDING.

The end of the Honda Accord.

A 5 year old vehicle, 2 months after the warranty ended, 105,000 km's, got babied it's whole life, I bought brand new off the lot to "never have to deal with the crap of it breaking down".

It's been a lemon since the day I drove it home, it IS the biggest $35,000 mistake I ever made, and I offically hate that car. HATE it. It had been my dream car. Now it is a never ending burden on my life. HATE IT.

Needless to say, we put it in neutral, pushed it onto the edge of my parents' driveway, and I proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes bawling.

You might think that while this sucks (it does) it's not "that" bad.

You're probably right. In another situation.

As I pronouced at a whail to my dad (poor, sympathetic man), THIS was the month my whole freakin' life just broke.

You see, the BF and I broke up at the start of August.

After 9 years together, 5 years of sharing our home. I was waiting to type that out until all the paperwork was finished, but today, I'm tired of trying to hold everything "together".

This month, I was catapulted into the world of single-dom. I found myself packing the last 5 years of my life into boxes so I could move into an apartment, I had my heart crushed, then crushed again, struggled through having to ask my parents for help (they're going to look after my dog and lent me a car so I could actually go to work tomorrow), balked at my monthly expenses, and cried WAY too much. Add in my horse was injured during this time, my dog is now stress-licking her elbow raw, I had JUST prior made the GREAT decision to ask my boss for more challenging work, and finally, THIS. My car is undriveable, meaning another loan I can't afford.

Did I mention that every plan, every dream, everything I thought the future would be is now shattered, and I keep getting cut every time I try to pick up the pieces.

My life is broken, my car is broken, I'm broke.

I'm broken and broken down.

There's no where left to go but up now, right? Please promise me that much.

- A very sad little blogger.

(and, to finish, lyrics from a friend, whose meaning is starting to mean a lot to me...and showed up in my inbox, right when I needed them.)

Feeling brokenBarely holding onBut there's just something so strongSomewhere inside meAnd I am down but I'll get up againDon't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of meYou haven't seen the last of me
They can say thatI won't stay aroundBut I'm gonna stand my groundYou're not gonna stop meYou don't know meYou don't know who I amDon't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade outThis is not the endI'm down nowBut i'll be standing tall againTimes are hard butI was built toughI'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overI am far from overYou haven't seen the last of me
No noI'm not going nowhereI'm staying right hereOh noYou won't see me beggingI'm not taking my bowCan't stop meIt's not the endYou haven't seen the last of meOh noYou haven't seen the last of meYou haven't seen the last of me


  1. Awwwwwww, I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. That is a _lot!_ warm thoughts from this corner of MA. I hope you get a breather real soon.

  2. Wow - and they say God never gives you more than you can handle...but seriously! Sending lots of good wishes your way!

  3. I am sorry lady! I've been in your shoes. It's not easy, but hopefully things will start looking up. maybe not right away, but they will!

  4. Ah, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a shit storm. It can be so hard when the stuff just keeps piling and piling. As much as you can try to take it day by day or minute by minute if you have to. And get as many puppy and pony kisses as you can. I find those always help.

  5. Aw, sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel. If you ever need to talk feel free to email. ( I know it can help to talk to someone.
    Stay strong.

  6. Sorry to hear this. But just over a month ago, in one weekend I split up with my boyfriend, had to leave the beautiful cottage we renovated together (because he owned it), and my car too then exploded. So I totally empathise with losing man, home and car all in one go (and I thought such things would only ever happen to me!) It cost me the value of the car to fix it (which was marginally less than getting an equivalent new one). But my horse and my dog provided all the love and attention I needed, my parents have been so supportive, and I've organised myself a place for pony in a lovely livery yard owned by a good friend, rent-sharing a lovely cottage with her too 3mins walk away in some lovely countryside, and found myself some part-time work nearby and prospects of a better job down the line. Trust me, it all seems awful when it happens but things have a way of working themselves out. You'll get your triple karma back again!

  7. It always feels like the world takes a giant dump on you all at once. :( These days will pass.

  8. Hang in there. Right now your life sucks like none other, but you'll make it through this stronger than before and with a whole new outlook on life. In the mean time, I hope you have a very good friend who can bring some ice cream over and hang out.

  9. I'm so sorry! I really don't know what to say other than keep your chin up, good things are surely around the corner. I just know things have to get better. Many blogger hugs my blogger friend!

  10. Aw, poor chicken :( I had a Honda Accord too and it was.... temperamental as well.

  11. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, and all at once :(
    Hugs to you!

  12. I am so sorry to hear this! I promise things will get better eventually!!

  13. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it. If you need a pony-sitter, dog-walker, apartment-hunter, grocery-shopper or anything, just email me! I'm just a short drive away.