It all falls apart.

This isn't going to be very horse-related, but it's me related, so it ends up here anyway...

So yesterday I spent the morning with my folks at a farm auction, it was all nice and wonderful and afterwards my dad helped me change my transmission fluid. My car, perhaps 10 times or so, when backing down our inclined parking pad, has briefly ground its gear before shifting. We're talking SECONDS. I had it at the dealership 2 months ago (remember the last time it fell apart on me?), and they said the transmission fluid was starting to be discolored so I should change it.

We changed the fluid, no biggie, go to back the car out of the garage and...

GRINDING.

Shift through all the gears, try again...

GRINDING.

Run to town, get some transmission stabilizer to hopefully just get it to a dealership for a trade in, and...

GRINGING.

Yup. It would not reverse. Just GRINDING.

The end of the Honda Accord.

A 5 year old vehicle, 2 months after the warranty ended, 105,000 km's, got babied it's whole life, I bought brand new off the lot to "never have to deal with the crap of it breaking down".

It's been a lemon since the day I drove it home, it IS the biggest $35,000 mistake I ever made, and I offically hate that car. HATE it. It had been my dream car. Now it is a never ending burden on my life. HATE IT.

Needless to say, we put it in neutral, pushed it onto the edge of my parents' driveway, and I proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes bawling.

You might think that while this sucks (it does) it's not "that" bad.

You're probably right. In another situation.

As I pronouced at a whail to my dad (poor, sympathetic man), THIS was the month my whole freakin' life just broke.

You see, the BF and I broke up at the start of August.

After 9 years together, 5 years of sharing our home. I was waiting to type that out until all the paperwork was finished, but today, I'm tired of trying to hold everything "together".

This month, I was catapulted into the world of single-dom. I found myself packing the last 5 years of my life into boxes so I could move into an apartment, I had my heart crushed, then crushed again, struggled through having to ask my parents for help (they're going to look after my dog and lent me a car so I could actually go to work tomorrow), balked at my monthly expenses, and cried WAY too much. Add in my horse was injured during this time, my dog is now stress-licking her elbow raw, I had JUST prior made the GREAT decision to ask my boss for more challenging work, and finally, THIS. My car is undriveable, meaning another loan I can't afford.

Did I mention that every plan, every dream, everything I thought the future would be is now shattered, and I keep getting cut every time I try to pick up the pieces.

My life is broken, my car is broken, I'm broke.

I'm broken and broken down.

There's no where left to go but up now, right? Please promise me that much.

- A very sad little blogger.

(and, to finish, lyrics from a friend, whose meaning is starting to mean a lot to me...and showed up in my inbox, right when I needed them.)

Feeling brokenBarely holding onBut there's just something so strongSomewhere inside meAnd I am down but I'll get up againDon't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of meYou haven't seen the last of me
They can say thatI won't stay aroundBut I'm gonna stand my groundYou're not gonna stop meYou don't know meYou don't know who I amDon't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade outThis is not the endI'm down nowBut i'll be standing tall againTimes are hard butI was built toughI'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overI am far from overYou haven't seen the last of me
No noI'm not going nowhereI'm staying right hereOh noYou won't see me beggingI'm not taking my bowCan't stop meIt's not the endYou haven't seen the last of meOh noYou haven't seen the last of meYou haven't seen the last of me