Monday, October 15, 2012

Pure Beauty.

I'm still kicking around! I am! But life is INSANE, in the most wonderful way possible. Yes, it's true. From the deepest downhill I've travelled, I've found myself climbing towards a beautiful sunrise, and I'm excited every day. I'm only even half alliterating on that, since I have taken to photographing every beautiful sunrise, sunset and cloud in the sky I come across.
Recently, life has made me even more conscious of the high rates of suicide, and how this level of depression seems to plaque people of all over 30, girls in their late 20s...everyone. And it's made me really step back and stare hard at my life.

I took a good blow to my "happiness" when my last relationship came crumbling down, when my car kicked the bucket at a tender age, I suddenly couldn't financially afford to do much of everything and my life was turned upside down. Probably overall, something that would send many people dipping into depression and thinking bad thoughts.

What is amazing, and always will be, is the AMAZING people in my life. Amazing. My worst moments ONLY stood to remind me and illustrate clearly for me, how incredible my life is. Last week, I sat on a best's couch, glass of wine in hand, my cutest, most darling nephew on my lap gurgling (and spitting up on my jeans), that best lounged beside me, us gabbing about guys and life and futures, talking about my home building, staring into her beautiful wood fire, our ponies warm and freshly fed outside the door, puppies snoring on the thick rug, my little niece asleep in her bed, and I kid you not, I could have exploded of pure bliss.
I was knocked down. I sold my share of the house, packed 5 years into boxes, tossed my dreams of the future in a trash bin, watched my bank account plummet to nothing, cried with all $3k in cheques I wrote to the lawyer, stared at myself in the mirror wondering why *I* wasn't "the one" and wondered long and hard if I ever would find myself in the place I wanted in life...with a family, a home and happiness.

Last week, I came to my desk at work to find a huge wrapped gift. Inside was a wine kit, a gift card and a card signed by 15 amazing people I worked with, both past and present. Next Saturday I'm riding my horse in our first jump show, with my best and our two amazing ponies. On Sunday, my dad and my dog went hunting together, something I never imagined I'd get to do in my life. And a week ago I lounged in the sunshine with my closest friends while celebrating their daughter's birthday, as she showed me all of her doll's clothes.

I photograph every sunset and sunrise I see now, because it is the time when I stop, truly stop in my life, and appreciate what I have. I haven't *lost* anything. Those things I want in life? I have THEM ALL. I have incredible nieces and nephews who make my heart sing every time I see them. I have close friends who'll sit by the fire and pour wine into me, dishing on everything in life. I have a home, because my home is where my friends and my loved ones come, to celebrate, the console and to be together. And I have happiness. My gawd, do I have happiness. Dwindling bank account be damned! Broken car be damned! I am, and continue to be, the richest woman in the world. And I have a thousand sunset pictures to prove it.

Who would ever want to end something that would mean missing out on such beauty?

1 comment:

  1. Every single day, even on the crappiest of days I am thankful for what I do have even if it, at times, doesn't seem like much. There have been dark, and I mean very dark periods in my life with self destructive behavior that I am not proud of. I wanted out but I knew that I'd be letting down the people who loved me no matter what I was doing with my life. I couldn't make them suffer for something I did. I am who I am today because of the roads I wandered down. Everything has shaped me into who I am.

    Each night and every morning when I watch the sunrise from our front yard in the middle of no where I am so thankful to be there to see and enjoy it. To smell the crisp fall air and to be greeted every single time I make an apperance outside with a "are you brining me my dinner yet?" whinney from one of my horses.