Fear and Flying.

I love riding. With a passion. And part of that love, comes with fear. Perhaps that is a part of every great love. The fear of loss. The fear of injury. The fear of getting hurt. It sits there, damp and heavy on the back of our minds, weighing on our soul.

I find myself struggling a bit with this, this morning. Let me back track...

On Monday I took my new saddle to the barn, and got ready to ride. My tack all has a home now, though I can't find a few things. Will have to look tonight when I have more time. Anyway, Monday night's kid crew was in with their moms, finishing up their lesson. I REALLY like the Monday crew. The kids are typical, young, horse crazy kids. Like will dawdle for hours with their horses, they adore Moon, ask lots of questions and just have horse obsessed. I'm not even sure they all own their horses, but they love them to bits. Their moms are equally laid back. Just a couple of moms of horse crazy kids, hanging at the barn. Like spot on. What I hope to find as mates when when B is ready to ride.

Pretty new jumping saddle!

There was already a small jump course set up for them, and with the new saddle, I just HAD to jump. I tacked Mr. Moon up and off into the arena we went. He of course pooped JUST outside the door, but Stellar Mom #1 cleaned it for me. Like I said, I love this group.

Little jump course. 

We warmed up in the arena, and I could tell he was feeling his oats. I hadn't been out in a week thanks to a road trip to the USA over Thanksgiving weekend and he needs to be ridden regularly.

I also think he LOVES jumping and gets pretty excited.

I took him around the course, at least 5 or 6 times. We took breaks in between, and we worked on not rushing and just riding nicely beside the jumps, but we did jump lots.

Weeeheee!

I looked at one jump in the line. Moon had been pretty much clear every time as long as I stayed off his face, and I was feeling very comfortable in the new saddle. Hmmmm...

I raised it. I walked up to the second jump in the line and raised it. To 3'. That's as long as Moon's legs. It's higher than I have ever jumped on him. And I've only jumped 3' once in my life and it was during a make-up lesson at a fancy barn. I was riding with a higher group and I'm not sure the coach realized I'd never been up that high. But I just went and did it anyway. And loved it. And kinda freaked out too.

Whoops! Almost missed it!

I stared at it. I want to try cross country again. I want to keep jumping. I want to get better at it. I want to see what Moon can actually do. Life is fleeting. Life is short.

My heart raced. I got back on. I trotted a warm up. Then I started the series. Two nice 2'3" jumps with 4 strides between. Around the corner. 2'3" and then we're striding...he's wavering off a little to the side, and I know he's second guessing it. Like "Do you REALLY want me to jump that?? Maybe you mean for me to just go around over here...."

Thinking about going around...

But I stayed it. I asked him to go over, kept him aligned with the jump...

My heart skipped. It pounded in my chest. My pulse raced. Nerves shot through my body like crazy. But I stayed it.

And we sailed over.

Clearing 3' like a pro. 

They say 3' is the point in which a horse actually has to jump, and you can feel it. His huge muscles balling up under him, and the driving force of those hind legs as they propel him over. It was...incredible.

We landed on the other side and I yelled a huge "F*cking ya!!!" which if you know me, is out of character lol. I'm not much of a swearer, but that was incredible. Moon is 14'2hh and not a big horse. But lord he sails over jumps.

Tons of praise and we went around one more time. Because....I just wanted to. I had pushed every bit of fear down deep into me, focusing instead on the wonder and awesomeness of pushing us to that point.

As high as his legs are long. 

We rode straight to the jump line again, and up and over. Not saying it was perfect, and we have LOTS of work to do on form and such, but it felt amazing.

Amazing.

When wonder overwhelms fear, you get to do amazing things.

But all of it, comes with risk, and anxiety and the unknown. A friend-of-a-friend, an old school mate, got some bad news after a bad riding accident, and I heard about it this morning. And it makes you pause, makes that fear you pushed down come rushing back. What if it was my bad accident next? What if I got seriously hurt? Would it all be worth it? Would I regret my choices? Should I play it safe, go slow, stay low? Is riding too dangerous?

Leave them in your dust. 

My girlfriend's daughter ended up in the hospital this summer after a horse accident. I know it scared the shit out of her. Again, you wonder if it's worth it. Should I shelter my girl? Should I keep her from the things that can hurt? That can hurt her, and can hurt me? Is it worth the risk? The fear, it mounts. It plays. It weighs heavy again. It comes out from where we pushed it away for those fleeting moments of wonder and triumph.

Life is for living. You can wake up at any moment, from any thing, whether you're scared of it or not, and find chaos. Find sadness. Find pain. It is the counterpart to love. And we can't shy away from love because of pain; we can't shy away from greatness because of fear.

I'll do it all again. Because the highs, are worth the lows.

Wow. For us, just Wow.