Thanks...the American Way

As I drag my feet through the final 6 or so hours that separate me from my Black Friday shopping, I can't help but think about the holiday that is today, despite it not truly being a holiday for me. American Thanksgiving. After reading so many other blogs full of thankfulness, I thought "Gees, I wish I could do that, but I'm Canadian and my thanksgiving has passed. Why would I be listing all that I'm thankful for two months later?!"

...please, feel free to smack me upside the head.

Maybe, just *maybe* I'm still thankful for the things in my life, 2 months after Canadian Thanksgiving? Maybe on American Thanksgiving, I'm still thankful? Heck, going out on a limb here, but I suspect, that maybe, just *maybe* I'm thankful every single day, regardless of what state or country my feet happen to be in, regardless of the day of the week or the date circled on the calendar. My heart is always on that thankful day.

So today, I raid your stores, and I will raid your holiday...

MY THANKSGIVING

- I am thankful to be me. Genuine, wacky, crazy, tumultuous me. Far too often I will do or say something and for a moment (sometimes long, sometimes short) think "Oh Gawd! What did I just do?! What are people thinking??". The wonderful thing about being you, genuine you, is that the people that love you in this life, love you not in spite of these moments of pure crazy, but because of them. And if you're not out there every day being your nutty self, then no one will have the opportunity to love the real you.

- I am thankful for my family. From teaching my dad to "iPod", to the 50,000 texts in 4.2 hours from my sister when her boyfriend is out of town, to the list of 18 different black friday items my other sister oh so desires, to my mom who slips me shopping money with a "shhh", I love my family. I occasionally (okay, usually) want to beat each and every one of them over the head with a wrapping paper tube, but that's family. If they didn't exist, I wouldn't be the wacky, crazy me.

- I am thankful for my home. Not my apartment, not my property, not my house-that-was. I'm talking about my home. That place I return to every night (okay, *almost* every night...don't tell my father), that is lined with pictures of all the things I love, my big feather duvet that I snuggle under at night as sleep lulls me and I find peace in a place that is mine. My solace. My retreat. My place to laugh, and have friends over, to build memories, to start oil fires, sneak my puppy into, retreat into when I'm down, decorate with happiness when I'm high. My home is my end-point, my parking garage, my resting point.

- I am thankful for my fur family, those two wonderful creatures that seemed to come out of nowhere, fit perfectly into my life and that have been there through the worst and the best of times. They are my rock, my shoulders to cry on, my fur to snuggle into, the backs upon which I rest my dreams.

- I am thankful for my friends. I have never before this year, realized the exact depth and breadth of their amazingness. These are people that have no genes to bind us, no requirement to stay, no force holding them close. Yet there they are. Pumping you up, cheering you on, smiling and laughing right beside you. This week has been one of those weeks when I swear, the value of my friendships were just slapping me in the face. From H2's baby shower, when I couldn't believe how important someone I've known for such a short time could be, to Tuesday night when I headed over to H's for dinner and little M demanded I hold her hand as we went downstairs, to watching an inspiring couple laugh about what real love is, to last night, sitting around the dining table with two friends I've known since the dawn of time and being crazy silly me and hearing them burst out laughing. These people make my day, and for that, I aim to make theirs. And sometimes, that just means being there, being present, and enjoying the experience.

- I am thankful for my job. It is painfully boring, mundane and repetitive right now, and I yearn for excitement. But when the pay checks arrive, when the bills disappear, when I wake up each day without the fear of how I will make it tomorrow, I remember that not everything will always be all excitement and mystery. Sometimes, mundane is okay. Mundane means you can focus your life on other things without worry, so today, I am thankful for having a mundane job that lets me dream about tomorrow.

- I am thankful for my land, a little strip of mud and rock and trees, that holds my dreams for the future. It is the accumulation of my blood, sweat and tears, hopes and dreams, and I am empowered every time I step upon it, to use it as the vessel for all the wonder that is yet to stride into my life. It shall be the place where my fur family romps, where my human family gathers, where my friends pop by unannounced when they need cheer or are giving cheer, and where someday, I will raise my own family to know that true happiness is not something you wake up and merely have. It's something you reach out every day to tenderly wrap your fingers around and draw closer. And then throw wide to all of those who come near.

- I am thankful for a fresh chance to fall in love. Breakups are breaking, but they are also a moment to grow, to make the changes and affirmations in your life that you need to be a better person for the person that is meant to be within your life. I don't believe that love is easy, ever. Instead we need to search, high and low, long and hard, for that person who is as stubborn and determined as we are to make it work, who see's you at your worst and says "Hey babe, I got you." That makes you see their imperfections and instead of thinking that you need to change them, you think that you need to embrace them, tighter and tighter. We are going to be our quirky, crazy selves, and then we're going to be our quirky crazy togethers.

- I am thankful for the man in my life, whether he's here just another day, or he's here forever. If you know me, you know I don't do goodbyes, I don't like parting ways, I don't know how to walk away. But this experience has taught me that I have a great inner strength and a right to be loved in the way that I need to be loved. Wonderful, crazy me isn't going to accept half-way, almost, close enough ever again. Instead, I will close my eyes and leap head first into the mess that is building a relationship with someone, and I must say, this someone is every bit of wonder and magic that I've been missing. Now it's just a matter of having a little faith.

- I am thankful for the kids in my life. Having been terrified of these rambunctious little creatures for years, I now find myself captivated by their tiny selves. The way they can laugh and laugh over anything and everything, the way a smile can make a baby giggle, the way they can look at things with a sense of wonder, speak to you like they're years wiser than they are, and how they always seem to know what you need, whether it's an invite to play "farm" with them or to stick you in a corner in a tutu. You never know what you really need until a toddler tells you.

- I am thankful for this blog and the ability to write. Without it, I can't imagine the mess I would be. Writing is my outlet, my blog is my medium, the pen is my way of releasing my inner me, in order to make sense of this world we live in, the feelings we feel, the thoughts we think. I am thankful for all 52 of you who publicly follow the Moonpie and me, for those who hide silently in the background, to whomever it was that created blogs in the first place. I need this. I need this like an addict needs alcohol, heroin or gambling. And for the fact that this is my worst addiction, for that I am thankful.

What the Spirit needs...

If I'm back to blogging, that means you're back to reading about the really, really boring things in life. Sad, but the truth is sometimes there just ain't nothing horse-happening.

  

Like yesterday. Out to the barn, peak in on my gimpy horse, who thankfully had less swelling in the cannon and it was more localized around his ankle, still a fairly stiff puffed mess. He was still resting it quite a bit, but a horse owner can't fret too much when they catch the "injured" horse backing and kicking at their pasture mate in order to stay supreme-leader-of-the-hay-net.

Yes, he's an a$$ that way. Puffy ankle or not. And yes, I contemplated beating him into proper hay-side mannerisms...but I knew it would just lead to more poulticing on my part ; )

Up the hayloft I climbed, fed those darn ponies their hay, and as the sun settled behind the trees, I gathered their feed buckets and made my way back to the warmth of the heated garage. What can a girl seriously do? Not much with a gimped horse and daylight faded before 5:30 pm. And a day job. There's always this confounded day job...

Now me, I do love winter. I know a lot of you look at our good coating of snow and think "Boy, that would be a fantastic winter holiday, 3 days of trekking my horse through the powdery white puff, sipping on the mint hot cocoa and building a snowman with a carrot nose and some *cute* little button eyes".

I get it. I do. We're magical and mystical and the perfect extraction of Miracle on 34th Street in our holiday glory. We are.

HOWEVER, when the temperatures start to plummet down to a naughty -40 C (which is -40 F ironically), well, quite suddenly your balmy temperatures and brown grass have us yearning for the deep south. We admit it, we do.

Irrespective of all of that, winter is a very distinct and separate season up here for me. You see, because when it's blustery cold, the ground is frozen solid and there's always white powder swirling about, you feel quite okay with laying aside the garden tools, the outdoor tasks, the need to actually "do" anything. Winter, when you live in a terribly cold and frigid place, is the PERFECT and natural excuse to hole up at home and vegetate.

This is my season for relaxing. Suddenly I have weekends where I honestly do nothing. I lay on my favourite plush chair, an old book or a wrinkled magazine in hand, and I do nothing but daydream and fantasize and on occasion...frequent occasion should it be either a rare sunny day or a miserable cloudy day...fall asleep in the middle of a Saturday afternoon under a big down duvet and wake up to make christmas cookies at 7 pm like I've actually reached old age.

This is my season for not doing.

And so, yes, you can see my pony is portly and yes, I'll be out Saturday afternoon riding him through the snow and having a blissful time. And we'll ride the winter away, but dear folks, everyone, absolutely everyone, needs to spend a week up here, on our coldest, snowiest, blusteriest days, and regain a true understanding for what it means to hole up and simply exist for a moment in life.

Sometimes, that's just what the spirit needs.

Welcome to Winter.

Right...Horses.

I do believe I've nearly perfected the "disappearing act"...seems I've gone from frequent blogger to missing-in-action, which is a little sad and a little ho-hum.

This is not to say that I haven't tried to make it out to most of H and I's Sunday morning trail rides, and that I don't still make it out Tuesdays and Thursdays to feed the ponies, give scratches and snuggle dear Mr. Moon.

Sexy Moon face...

These things still happen.

But, I've let go of anything resembling regular riding of late, and of course, I hang my head in shame that it has largely been due to both weather (yes, winter is upon us and I'm a wimp) and a certain attractive male...

I know. Horses before dudes. But when the choices are freezing your butt off trying to pull a stiff bridle over your pudgy horse's head or curling up on the sofa in a warm embrace...well...sorry Mr. Moon...

Needless to say, like the sad creature I am (so embarrassed to be such a girl!), with the Christmas season in full force meaning that the attractive male (hereon known as "G") is working long hours and frequent days, this gal decided it was time to get back in the riding game and enjoy her fur-boy!

An afternoon ride with H on Tuesday was the EXACT kick in the butt that I needed to be getting out on the cold evenings again for a ride. I'm a little sad to be without the big lighted indoor that spoiled me last winter, but am excited to go hacking down the snow filled ditches with my boy, something that is always going to be nearer our hearts than any indoor schooling.

(apparently having H photograph from atop her MONSTER of a horse makes mine look like a mini!)

Our Tuesday ride was bliss. The snow was powdery, covering everything nice and deep (crazy snowstorm on Saturday/Sunday, with at least a foot of snow on the ground), we trotted in the pouff and cantered down the side of the road, snow billowing up behind us. It was majestic. The weather even was nice enough to not be a frozen core by the time we arrived back home after our 4 miles. I was in love.

Let's add in, for story sake, H and I helped catch 2 run-away Icelandic ponies that some poor son had spent 3 hours trying to capture. Those ponies were LOVING the snow, romping and playing with each other as they ran from their handler...

Regardless, I was feeling it again. Pony love. Men may come and go, but my horse will always be around. Time to show a little appreciation...

So yesterday I got off work and made it out to the barn just before sunset. I was gonna do the 4 mile loop again, bareback in a bridle, even if the sun went down on me before I got home. I was focussed. Bundled up in all my gear...

Grabbed a hoof pick and my bridle from the barn and headed out to the pasture. Picked out one hoof, went to his back hoof and...

Thickly swollen ankle and cannon bone. Solid swollen to boot.

note the abscess mark on the hoof...

Run my hand down his leg and I can feel that it's swollen and quite firm. Oye. This is the same foot that I found a blown abscess on the day prior, but seemed otherwise fine. He went well on our trail ride the day before, and I only felt the slightest bit of wind puffiness in that leg, which was normal. *sigh* He *had* been walking and standing sore on the weekend, but all the horses were ouchy from walking on the frozen mud clumps.

different foot, but boy, look at those growth lines in his hoof wall! No under run heels here!

Back to the garage to grab his halter and a quick call to H to clear brining him into the garage. Lucky, lucky us.

At first Moon would toss his head and pull back when I tried to bring him through the man door, but I finally had enough and just pulled right back. Guess what? He moved his big ol'butt indoors. The bugger.

the puffy leg...though it's hard to tell...

Checked out the leg, which was covered in dried scabs and blood. All looked pretty old, 5 or 7 days by my guess. Didn't seem like the cause of his swelling, but between that and the blown abscess, my heart was saying that he likely has a bit of an infection. That or injury, but it just doesn't seem like an injury swelling to me.

Again, different foot, but interesting to see the changes in his hooves....new growth looks like less flare...makes happy me.

He rested the leg a lot and there was a little heat, so I gave him a nice poultice and spent the next hour just grooming him. Which I could tell he was loving. And I gotta admit, doing it in a heated illuminated garage made it actually a whole heck of a lot of fun!

After we were done, I gave him way too many treats, loved on his shiny fuzzy body (boy does his coat ever look nice!), and then put him back out to pasture. I'm grateful that the cold weather will naturally help the heat in his leg, and since he's a lazy bugger on a good day, I think he'll just stay calm and not mess it up any worse.

hard to see "puffy" on his hinds anymore, as he still has a lot of scar tissue on the right hind from debriding it of skin this summer...left hind is the newly puffy leg... : P

Fingers crossed it heals like all of his other injuries, the little bugger.

So what did I do with the remainder of my evening??

Cleaned my tack space! : ) Why?? Because I finally decided what I'm going to spend the gift certificate to Richvale Saddlery I won this summer on!

Before...

After... (H, those bottom shelves are your mess ; ) ). 

And yes, there's my foam finger!

On what?! Well, initially it was on winter riding mittens, and then maybe a 1/4 sheet, but finally I realized what I NEED and what would be a great Christmas present for Mr. Moon...

A TEKNA BRIDLE!

Yup, 100% synthetic bridle and reins. In black. FINALLY I can ditch *almost* the last of my leather gear! (as someone with a leather allergy, this is blissful!). All that's leather now is my girth.

Moonpie, glaring at me from inside the garage...yes, there was a car parked in there too...

: )

So I cleaned my space, photographed my old leather bridle to put it on the classifieds to help cover the cost of the new bridle, and called it an evening. We'll be back to riding soon, I'm sure of it.

eye-phone

By the Seat of My Breeches...

So last Saturday rolled around and myself and two good friends were heading to our first and last jump show of the season: The Martin's Courses and Candy Halloween Fun Show.

I, in all my craziness, invited a certain gentleman of the non-horsey type to come cheer us on, and H invited her cousin and another friend as well. So there was a small ensemble of us headed out to the show, which was set to be an interesting adventure if nothing else. H hadn't had much time for jumping this year, H3 hadn't really jumped ever with her boy, and I was...a nervous wreck despite having the most time in the saddle this year.

The day, despite weather forecasts, was overcast, windy and COLD. Children shivered from their saddles, the ponies whipped around the ring and most of us had more than one layer on. Brr. The audience was frozen.

Mr. Moon started his warm-up just fine, and then lost his mind. Gawd-bless his little heart. My gentleman kept calling him a 'scamp', which I think is much too kind of a term...he was a brat.

He SCREAMED constantly, mainly when he wasn't allowed to either A) Run around like an idiot or B) Hang out with his best-bud, The Black (who you'll recall, was the one he was chased incessantly by when he moved to H's, and now loves...horses).

He refused to stand still, he fidgeted, threw his head about, did his classic evil rabbit face and stormed at jumps like we were doing x-country and not a little jumper round of x-rails. Oye.

I finally took him over to the side and just worked the Dressage snot out of him. Leg yielding, turn-on-the-fore, serpentines. Over and over, asking and demanding he yield and pay attention. I gotta say, he moves beautifully when he's stoked like that. And my experience this summer in the show ring has taught me that he is NOT the type of horse that you warm up and then let relax. When he's at a show, you need to work him CONSTANTLY and he'll perform better and better, while still being hyped. My boy has energy.

We did the x-rails without issue and I was pretty proud. Neat and tidy, a little waver here and there but he was willing and happy to boot around the course. Even went through it at a nice canter approach at times, did a 2-stride and can't really complain. He was a good boy.

They upped the rails to somewhere in the 2'3 range with some oxers and the 2-stride, and then placed fillers under the jumps.

Uhhh...

Yeah.

Mr. Moon headed in just fine, I loved his canter off the first jump, nice hunter line around to the 2nd fence, we wavered a touch going into the 3rd and I was a little off-balance into that oxer. Not bad, held it together but didn't feel stable on my feet. Over to the larger candy-cane jump and he approached eagerly and jumped cleaned. But came off with a LOT of momentum to jumps 5 and 6, the 2-stride (or maybe 1 from a canter).

Problem.

It was the first jump with an interesting filler. And I was STARING at it. I was. Thinking "Oh gawd! This is new!"...

And Mr. Moon deeked right, leaving me on his neck. Yeah...

We can say embarrassing. I was just praying that the gent couldn't see very well through the thick tree in front of the jump. "Oooh, look at me! I'm a jumper. Not. : P"

Found my stirrup, circled and reproached. Took a little incentive with my legs and staying true, but we got cleanly over 5 and 6 and carried through the turn towards 7.

#7 I thought would be easy. I mean, it was a simple vertical with some natural spruce greenery under it. It was brown. Natural. Normal. Easy-peasy.

And Moon stopped. Literally just slowly came to a stop.

Came around again, drove him to it, and he died under my legs. "Nuh-uh" he said, clearly not so sure about that greenery.

Ger.

Technically that would DQ me, but it was a fun show. So I rode over to H who was waving her stick at me (yes, yes, I know. But I always believe I won't need it), and I gave him two good smacks up to the jump. *Pop* we went over it, and carried on in a haggard manner towards #8. A plank.

Over that with a little incentive, and as we rounded the corner towards home, Mr. Moon exploded in a gallop down the ring.

Scamp? Naw, Cow-pony.

Oye.

We did the course twice more, with equally questionable skill. Every time Moon hesitated and I pushed him to a jump, he popped over it, I was left unbalanced, and the next jump came to fast for me to feel rebalanced. Needless to say, it was sloppy and messy, and not what I'd hoped for.

We still had refusals to the greenery, though with the crop by the end I could just force him up to and over it. I never hit the ground, Moon stayed reasonably clean, and willing for a horse who was brand new to this type of jumping.

And he did a lot of nice cantering for me too. ; )

Was I proud? Dang straight I was proud. It wasn't as awesome and I didn't look as amazing as I had dreamt (ha, we never do), and my form was nothing compared to the arena at home, but I was incredibly proud that we got to do it together, we did it with good friends, and we did it safely and without injury.

The whole experience really showed me just how well I know and understand my horse at this point, and exemplified where we can go together if we keep working at it.

Of course, the experience also showed me that me and my horse are a mess when stressed, that I need way more saddle time and training when it comes to jumpers, and I need to create some fill for the jumps at home!

When we finally dismounted, I was shaking. My legs were so weak, I nearly fell into the trailer when trying to make the step up. Wow, does this ever take a lot out of you!

We all had some warm drinks and a donut, packed up the ponies in their pretty coolers and then headed back for home, happy and content about how our day went. What an adventure for sure!

Getting My Sea-Legs...

One of the most beneficial things you can do if you're training without a trainer, is to video yourself riding. While this means you're not able to make changes 'in the moment', you do have the opportunity later on to review your errors, see where you're improving and be more conscientious on your next ride.

WAY back before I owned Moon, which would be two years ago, this was him and I, doing our first jumps...note, they're like 12" off the ground...

Take note as well, that my lower leg has slipped WAY back, I'm lying over his neck, and dear me, look how chunky Mr. Moon is!

The following summer after I owned him for about 6 months, and a year after the above pic was taken, we tried it again. While Mr. Moon looks like a more healthy specimen of a horse, I'm now standing in my stirrups and while i'm not laying ON his neck, I'm floating over it. And I've got some droopy reins going on. There's still some leg slippage, but my straight leg is likely preventing it from being as worse as it really is...

Oh, and note that I'm trying to take flight with my elbows...this is a theme...

Now, let us look at yesterday. Moon was feeling sluggish (two jump rides in a row?!), but seemed to have better contact with the bit. I tried my best to think about what my hands and legs were doing, and go about the course. If you saw the video, you'd hear me counting strides and trying to get it right (bahahaa...nope).

First, our x-rail:

While my reins are getting a nice release, the fact that my leg is WAAY out behind me is awful. How does my horse manage to jump when I'm riding like this?!

And of course, note my flying elbows. Again. 

At least i"m looking up and ahead, right?...

In this one:

I'm again almost standing in the stirrups, my arms have gone straight and it looks like Moon's putting in a lot of effort. He is a cute little jumper at least... ; )

And then on my LAST round, I seem some things I like...(minus the really long approach)...

The below one, I really like. My back is straight, my legs are bent and under me, my elbows while still flapping are bend. My back is straight, my head is up, I'm looking ahead and I'm neither over his neck nor way behind things. 

Plus, Moon looks like a tidy, happy little jumper here. 

Especially compared to where we started...

(wow...and can you ever see how de-chunkified Mr. Moon is when comparing the pics side by side!!!)


Just a few more days until the show! So excited! Wonder what height we'll head up into? I'm thinking a full 2'6" would be a bit much for us, but who knows...just going with the flow for once. ; )

Attentive.

“To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty, and in the same field, it beholds, every hour, a picture which was never seen before, and which shall never be seen again.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Like we do, I've spent many days simply moving through life. It's only recently I've really stepped back to realize how different the world is when we take the time to be attentive to the things and the people around us. 

When was the last time you stopped from your harried grooming session to sniff deep the scent of your horse? Take a wander up the road in hand and while your boy nibbles the last of the green autumn grass, you stand back and simply take in his beauty? 

When did you last catch catch a sunset? Did you text your best to tell her she matters to you? How long has it been since you wrapped your arms around your partner and just appreciated a moment of nothing?

I read something today that said we are too good at forgetting to be "human beings" when we're so busy as "human doings". 

I consciously now, every day, try to take the time to notice, appreciate and be attentive to the little things, the simple things, the beautiful things. And while I can't say it's the key to happiness and success in my life, it certainly leaves me renewed every day for whatever may come my way.

________________

My Sunday mornings are devoted to trail riding with H and E. The three of us will hit the local park, ride through the fallen leaves, canter three abreast down the trails, popping over the odd log, deeking around corners, smiling and giggling and laughing. We always get one crazy gallop in, where we urge our horses into their fastest gait and run side-by-side, laughing in all the merriment in the world. It is, and will always be, some of the most perfect moments of my existence. Friends, both human and animal, the bond to have a powerful creature striding out below you, the exhilaration as you urge him faster, laughing as you whip beside your friends, not a care or fear in the world.  If there ever was truth to heaven, it's right there in that moment.

________________

Saturday's horse show. I'm excited and nervous! H and I are going with some other friends, and it'll be interesting. We're all a bunch of greenies!

Last night I had some time to pop over to the barn before my oil change, and set up a small four jump course for Moon and I to practice over.

I did up a 2'7" vertical along the rail, a 2'4" vertical in the middle of the ring on a diagonal, an x-rail skinny just off the other rail (with enough gap to ride past in case Moon needed some school on running out), and finally a tiny little 1' vertical on the short side, more to focus on being handy and not cutting corners.

On warm-up, Moon even jumped over a rail on the ground. Like JUMPED. That horse is nuts. 

My intent was to ride everything from a trot, since he should be fine doing those heights at that slower pace. We started out a little rough, and I can tell that I have a huge impact on him. When I'm nervous, he wavers like CRAZY coming up to the fence. He also hesitates, gets in too deep and pops over. 

Focussing on just the x-rail and little 1' jump at first, I worked on getting a nice pace, keeping him even to the fence, my heels down, body under me, not jumping too soon and looking ahead and forward. 

After a few goes I felt confident in our performance, and we tried the 2'4" after the x-rail. Success. The second time we did the same sequence, I asked him transition to a canter after we made the corner, trying to maintain that nice pace and trying to determine how he'd need to pace to arrive at the fence in a controlled manner and at the right distance. He got over nicely, and again, I thought about transitioning down to trot for the corner, maintaining our impulsion and circling back around to the 1', as a way of making sure he didn't think we stop and rest after every jump.

Eventually, I worked it out so we would trot to the x-rail, circle deep into the next corner, straighten, transition to canter, three strides to the 2'4" vertical, land, transition to trot for the short side, back to canter after the next corner, and then stride confidently (but not rush) to the 2'7" vertical on the next long side. And then back to trot and a big trot circle before stopping.

Our first time through, he tapped the rail on the 2'7" with his hind and it came rolling down. I still rode him in the circle before slowing, and fixing the fence. Again, I told myself.

The next time through, we went clean the whole way, even coming around and doing the x-rail a second time in the opposite direction after the 2'7".

Huh.

We did it again, changing the order and direction of the fences so that we'd have our own version of a jumping course. 

Once he tried to really rush the 2'7" fence, but he responded beautifully to my request to slow a touch, and I felt like we had a beautiful jump over it because of it. 

When we had done our 'course' three times, I decided we were good for the day and didn't want to wear him out before the weekend. But I really couldn't believe how much he seemed to take to jumping. My little quarter horse seemed genuinely confident and eager over fences when *I* was confident and eager over fences! 

My mind kept going to the thought of x-countrying him next year, when we both have a little more confidence. 

And sitting there on his back after his beautiful clear round at a canter (remember, Mr. Moon never even had a canter transition before!) I suddenly realized something earth shattering. More crazy then the fact that Moon was loving jumping...

*I* wasn't scared for once. There were no nerves by that second time we did our little course; I was simply riding and moving with him, flowing through the course, asking him instinctively for what I think he needed to approach cleanly (more impulsion or more collection), would release myself to his judgement a stride before the fence, leave the reins for his choosing and let my body flow how it felt it should.

I was jumping naturally, not obsessively and fearfully. 

And it felt, amazing.

Pure Beauty.

I'm still kicking around! I am! But life is INSANE, in the most wonderful way possible. Yes, it's true. From the deepest downhill I've travelled, I've found myself climbing towards a beautiful sunrise, and I'm excited every day. I'm only even half alliterating on that, since I have taken to photographing every beautiful sunrise, sunset and cloud in the sky I come across.

Recently, life has made me even more conscious of the high rates of suicide, and how this level of depression seems to plaque people of all ages...men over 30, girls in their late 20s...everyone. And it's made me really step back and stare hard at my life.

I took a good blow to my "happiness" when my last relationship came crumbling down, when my car kicked the bucket at a tender age, I suddenly couldn't financially afford to do much of everything and my life was turned upside down. Probably overall, something that would send many people dipping into depression and thinking bad thoughts.

What is amazing, and always will be, is the AMAZING people in my life. Amazing. My worst moments ONLY stood to remind me and illustrate clearly for me, how incredible my life is. Last week, I sat on a best's couch, glass of wine in hand, my cutest, most darling nephew on my lap gurgling (and spitting up on my jeans), that best lounged beside me, us gabbing about guys and life and futures, talking about my home building, staring into her beautiful wood fire, our ponies warm and freshly fed outside the door, puppies snoring on the thick rug, my little niece asleep in her bed, and I kid you not, I could have exploded of pure bliss.

I was knocked down. I sold my share of the house, packed 5 years into boxes, tossed my dreams of the future in a trash bin, watched my bank account plummet to nothing, cried with all $3k in cheques I wrote to the lawyer, stared at myself in the mirror wondering why *I* wasn't "the one" and wondered long and hard if I ever would find myself in the place I wanted in life...with a family, a home and happiness.

Last week, I came to my desk at work to find a huge wrapped gift. Inside was a wine kit, a gift card and a card signed by 15 amazing people I worked with, both past and present. Next Saturday I'm riding my horse in our first jump show, with my best and our two amazing ponies. On Sunday, my dad and my dog went hunting together, something I never imagined I'd get to do in my life. And a week ago I lounged in the sunshine with my closest friends while celebrating their daughter's birthday, as she showed me all of her doll's clothes.

I photograph every sunset and sunrise I see now, because it is the time when I stop, truly stop in my life, and appreciate what I have. I haven't *lost* anything. Those things I want in life? I have THEM ALL. I have incredible nieces and nephews who make my heart sing every time I see them. I have close friends who'll sit by the fire and pour wine into me, dishing on everything in life. I have a home, because my home is where my friends and my loved ones come, to celebrate, the console and to be together. And I have happiness. My gawd, do I have happiness. Dwindling bank account be damned! Broken car be damned! I am, and continue to be, the richest woman in the world. And I have a thousand sunset pictures to prove it.

Who would ever want to end something that would mean missing out on such beauty?