We Still Bounce.

I've had a couple people ask me why I would be so honest in my last blog post. "You literally told the world that you cried!", "You admitted it's hard! Don't do that! You want him to think you're doing fine!", "Aren't you worried people are going to think you're weak?"

Weak?

Where is the weakness in being able to admit that you're going through a tough time? Where is the weakness in being able to stand up and say "Hey, I'm hurt. And'm struggling. But I'm still here. I'm still carrying on, and I'm not too proud to admit that it's hard."

It all falls apart.

This isn't going to be very horse-related, but it's me related, so it ends up here anyway...

So yesterday I spent the morning with my folks at a farm auction, it was all nice and wonderful and afterwards my dad helped me change my transmission fluid. My car, perhaps 10 times or so, when backing down our inclined parking pad, has briefly ground its gear before shifting. We're talking SECONDS. I had it at the dealership 2 months ago (remember the last time it fell apart on me?), and they said the transmission fluid was starting to be discolored so I should change it.

We changed the fluid, no biggie, go to back the car out of the garage and...

GRINDING.

Shift through all the gears, try again...

GRINDING.

Run to town, get some transmission stabilizer to hopefully just get it to a dealership for a trade in, and...

GRINGING.

Yup. It would not reverse. Just GRINDING.

The end of the Honda Accord.

A 5 year old vehicle, 2 months after the warranty ended, 105,000 km's, got babied it's whole life, I bought brand new off the lot to "never have to deal with the crap of it breaking down".

It's been a lemon since the day I drove it home, it IS the biggest $35,000 mistake I ever made, and I offically hate that car. HATE it. It had been my dream car. Now it is a never ending burden on my life. HATE IT.

Needless to say, we put it in neutral, pushed it onto the edge of my parents' driveway, and I proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes bawling.

You might think that while this sucks (it does) it's not "that" bad.

You're probably right. In another situation.

As I pronouced at a whail to my dad (poor, sympathetic man), THIS was the month my whole freakin' life just broke.

You see, the BF and I broke up at the start of August.

After 9 years together, 5 years of sharing our home. I was waiting to type that out until all the paperwork was finished, but today, I'm tired of trying to hold everything "together".

This month, I was catapulted into the world of single-dom. I found myself packing the last 5 years of my life into boxes so I could move into an apartment, I had my heart crushed, then crushed again, struggled through having to ask my parents for help (they're going to look after my dog and lent me a car so I could actually go to work tomorrow), balked at my monthly expenses, and cried WAY too much. Add in my horse was injured during this time, my dog is now stress-licking her elbow raw, I had JUST prior made the GREAT decision to ask my boss for more challenging work, and finally, THIS. My car is undriveable, meaning another loan I can't afford.

Did I mention that every plan, every dream, everything I thought the future would be is now shattered, and I keep getting cut every time I try to pick up the pieces.

My life is broken, my car is broken, I'm broke.

I'm broken and broken down.

There's no where left to go but up now, right? Please promise me that much.

- A very sad little blogger.

(and, to finish, lyrics from a friend, whose meaning is starting to mean a lot to me...and showed up in my inbox, right when I needed them.)

Feeling brokenBarely holding onBut there's just something so strongSomewhere inside meAnd I am down but I'll get up againDon't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of meYou haven't seen the last of me
They can say thatI won't stay aroundBut I'm gonna stand my groundYou're not gonna stop meYou don't know meYou don't know who I amDon't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overYou haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade outThis is not the endI'm down nowBut i'll be standing tall againTimes are hard butI was built toughI'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my kneesAnd I've been pushed way past the point of breakingBut I can take itI'll be backBack on my feetThis is far from overI am far from overYou haven't seen the last of me
No noI'm not going nowhereI'm staying right hereOh noYou won't see me beggingI'm not taking my bowCan't stop meIt's not the endYou haven't seen the last of meOh noYou haven't seen the last of meYou haven't seen the last of me

Happy.

Let me say, that Horses make you happy.

Or at least, they make me happy.

My Wednesday started out rather crap-tastically. Awoke with a bad headache.

Then, I enjoyed the fact that my dog has developed a stereotypie of obsessive elbow licking due to stress and while I tried to solve it using a bitter spray, when the last bottle ran out I bought a different brand as the store I was at didn't carry the old one.

Well, it turns out she LIKES the taste of this new bitter spray and enjoys licking it off. So I've now compounded the problem. Yippee.

So after being demoralized by the sight of her elbow, I dragged myself to work, where I discovered people still hadn't submitted work that was months overdue, and I now get email and phone responses of "You're fantastic" instead of anything useful. Yes, I work with professionals. Yes, it's exhausting.

Of course, the boss has moved up in the world and I, just before my life became chaotic and stressful, decided I wanted a little more responsibility. So he's been happily sharing his old managerial work with me. Which is great, except I currently can't mentally seem to focus on it, and so I go around feeling like a bit of a failure and experience daily deadline crunch. Go me.

So yesterday morning I was scheduled for 4 hours of training/work with my favourite co-worker to finish a project we started in March...yes, WAY past due. But since we had to let him go, we only get to sporadically work on the project. And I would be lost without him.

There were some other home things to deal with, some less then fun phone conversations and I was not in my best of spirits when I walked into the boardroom to meet this friend.

Let me say, everyone needs at LEAST one good friend at work. He looked at me, said one sympathetic and heartwarming thing with pretty sad puppy-dog eyes and I started to cry.

Classy.

Thankfully, good friends are okay with that, and he cheered me up.

We later went out for lunch together, enjoyed a HEAPING box of fancy poutine (this is deep fried french fries, smothered in thick gravy, stringy cheese curds, and in my case, bacon, pulled pork and italian sausage). Yes, it was bliss for a sad girl.

He had me smiling by the end of it, despite a wasp flying into my root beer. Boo-urns.

We chuckled over Mr. Gold Lammee who was wandering around entertaining people, and then he dragged me up the block to "Cakeology". This is an awesome little local cupcake shop.

And we bought 2 double chocolate cupcakes with a mound of icing, and 2 red velvet cupcakes with a mound of icing. In the late summer sunshine, walked back to his car while enjoying the chocolate ones.

Really, is life that bad??

At the office, I went back to work as we parted ways, each clutching our red velvet cupcake for that much needed afternoon break.

Much needed for sure.

The afternoon was chaotic, I was catching up on all sorts of projects, addressing concerns and questions and demands and it was just off the hook. Of course, everyone who passed my desk noticed the cupcake and inquired. Of course.

So I somehow didn't get out of the office until almost 4:30, which is SO late. So late that people wandering across the parking lot commented on why I was still there. Yeah, go me.

Then it was a speedy drive home, feed the dog, change and head over to a friends to help hay. Only they had an early start and of course, I was late, so they were nearly finished when I arrived. Boourns.

But, I did get to watch W give a lesson or two, and H arranged for the mom of one of W's new lesson girls to join us Saturday for a speedy ride. Yippee!

Then I tacked up Mr. Moon with a bridle in the paddock (arena was for lessons on Wednesdays) and rode him bareback in the field.

Wasn't his best performance, but we did a good job, I was proud of him, and for a good 20 minutes, it was all about him.

My puppy even sat in the middle of the field as we did circles and serpentines around her. I love these two.

Then H2 suggested I come join her and H for a dip in the pond (seriously, does YOUR barn have a HUGE lined swimming pond with a sand beach, diving dock and play structure? I didn't think so), and so over we went. H's little girl and the neighbours joined us, and after a good 20 minutes I managed to get up to my shoulders. It was cold!! And the sun was setting! And I'm a wimp. ; )

Of course, the little girls were catching frogs and giving them to me. The going joke was to kiss them so your prince would appear. I have to say, it didn't work... ; )

When it got cold, we called it a night. The dogs enjoyed running in the water and playing, the kids had a great time, the horses were in sight the whole time we were in the water, and we could even catch a glimpse of the lesson from where we stood.

Seriously, does life get better than this? I had thought, it was a crappy day. The headache, the dog-stresses, the work-stresses, the life-stresses. But here, at the end of the day, is good friends on a private beach a stone's throw from our favourite animals, together, enjoying what summer has to offer. Yes, I think life is alright. I think I'm going to be happy. I really do.

Better than before.

So I appear to be back in the saddle full-time, and boy, I can say that I've missed it.

Moon, after his rolling run on Sunday, still appears sound. I pulled him out of the paddock, skipped the saddle yesterday and set up a string of jumps. Let's see what this boy can do...

Well, he can be excited. That's a truth. He charged at the jumps, often swapping to a canter on our approach, throwing his head up whenever I asked him to slow down. And the first bunch of times through, deeked out after the first jump, and I was forced to bring him around and run through the series again.

Finally, I got the feeling that he was a little intimidated by how close together they were, at least the last two which seemed like a bounce. Something he's never done. So I took down the last jump, and we did the nice cross rails with some success.

I did feel like I was gripping him in the mouth as I went through, but in my defence, I felt like he was WAY over jumping. Like he was saying "Phht" to those little x-rails. Bugger.

I've also been out of the saddle for way too long, and my legs were burning from Sunday's ride. So I assume neither of us was in our best jumping form. At least we made it through cleanly and without any falls or rails down.

I decided that since he was SO locked up I could actually SEE the muscle in his poll, I might as well do some dressage. Mr. Moon is normally Mr. Bouncy as he runs about, so I spent a good deal of time working him at a walk and trying to get him to loosen. When we started, it was rough at a trot, he wouldn't do lateral work and I was more than a little frustrated. But I took a deep breath and reminded myself of our time off. This was to be expected. And I've been going solo for awhile now, completely instructor less. Unfortunately, I don't think given my present situation, that will be changing anytime soon.

We worked and worked and worked. And I tried to remember and recall all of W's instructions on loosening up that horse.

Then when he seemed improved, I asked for a trot.

WOW.

Maybe it's the month off. Maybe it's that he was previously back sore and the time out of saddle has helped. Maybe it was Sunday's rip-roaring ride. Maybe it was all the lysine he's been getting. The time in the big pasture. The improved diet. The new feeding ration. The Thinline pad. How I previously rode him....

Who knows.

But what I can say, is that he FELT amazing.

AMAZING.

When I asked for the trot again, he seemed to FLOAT. There were moments when he was beautifully leg-yielding across the arena in this huge floating trot that I felt like I was riding an Olympic horse. Yes, I have NOTHING to compare that to, but it was the BEST I think I've ever felt on Moon. He was forward, over his back (because suddenly I wasn't bouncing, instead sitting perfectly over him, moving perfectly with his body in the most perfect bareback sitting trot of my life...technically, the most wonderful sitting trot period!), and just giving her. His neck was rounding, his head was going down, there seemed to be contact and connection through the reins, and I was LOVING IT. He was ON FIRE.

I rode him around and around, thrilled by what I felt under me. It was incredible. I didn't want it to end.

But I also knew we'd both been out for awhile, and I didn't want to over do it. I want to be able to find this again...I need to be able to find this again!

After that I cooled him off, petted him a gazillion times and called it a night. What an amazing creature I tell you!

Delinquent.

So I've been a blogging delinquent. It's a fact.

But again, that's a tale for another day.

Instead, let us get back to our world of ponies...

You see, I haven't been riding much. Not nearly much at all.

Moon's hind leg that suffered the large gash has been healing nicely without any outside support and while it's still a little on the thick side, I took the advice given and started working him anyway. The hope being that this will help get things flowing again and break up some of the leftover "damage".

Most of my time at the barn lately has either been haying (getting some real pipes now) or trail riding with a new leasee. It's been a blast and I really do enjoying showing a friend the trails and just hacking out. Unfortunately, it's gotten dark on us more than once before we got home, and I'm seriously considering sewing up some reflective leg wraps for the ponies. Especially since there was gun shots in the background the last time...

Anyway, I hadn't really gotten Moon back into "working", as these trail rides are enjoyable walk trips (with lots of yapping) and the occasional bout of trot.

So Sunday morning H had invited me out for an invigorating "fast" ride. As a mother of 2 with a little one under a couple months old, speed is imperative. And she's a little nutty that way...

We met up with her neighbour (who's equally nutty), and hit the trails. It started out at a subdued pace, but before long we were in the park and shifting gears. The mount that joined us was an ex-race horse, and a successful one at that...

Wow.

We ran. We ran and ran and ran. Right through that park, down the trails, the mud spraying up behind us off our horses' hooves.

It was bliss.

I appreciate my demur trail rides with friends, yapping and watching the scenery slowly pass us by. But I will NEVER, EVER, be able to let go of having incredible rides like that.

We raced along, and it was just awesome. There were moments where I actually just started laughing aloud. No reason at all, just pure unadulterated bliss. Those times when you're suddenly so happy, so overjoyed that you can't help but giggle for the joy of giggling. That was those moments.

So I laughed as we went, Moon's hooves pounding on the ground, the wind whipping past us, and every thought in my mind, temporarily erased.

At one point, there was a little log across the trail. Okay, jumper folks out there would scoff and call it "nothing". A "twig" at best. But to me, it was substantial enough. Moon actually had to give a little "lift" over it, and he went at it at a canter! Yup, saw it, shifted gears and sprung over, racing onward from the other side.

I laughed even louder, my heart swelling.

I think he LOVES this x-country stuff. I seriously think he'll love it. Now if only we'd get a big wind-storm to knock some bigger trees over...

Our ride finally took us back out of the park, and we pointed our horses away from home and asked for a canter along the wide green space beside the highway. I gave Moon his rein to gallop, and he stretched out, almost happy for the opportunity. It clearly had been too long.

Well, his shift to gallop excited the ex-race horse in the bunch, who's owner let him go. They whipped by us, and Mr. Moon always enjoying a race, shifted a gear higher and charged along behind them. The  Black followed up just off to our left, and the three of us charged along the ditch, in pure heaven. Horse and human.

Finally we reached a driveway and had to ask for the horses to slow. When I pulled up Mr. Moon he gave me one low and obstinate "buck", that didn't really get any height but jarred the crap out of my back. Ow.

And then pulled up nicely in his little double-jointed egg-butt bit. Yes, he's a softy.

Then we walked home.

Wonder when we'll be out to do it again?!

Still silent.

My horse blog still sits silent.

I haven't really had time to focus much on riding or Mr. Moon. I love him, and it means the world to me to know that he's there in my life. But right now, I just don't have the mental aptitude to put towards much riding.

I'm booked for a little trail ride on Thursday with Chloe, and a fast trail ride with Hilary on Sunday. While neither is going to get Mr. Moon back to the happy condition he was before this whole turmoil (the break-up and the injury), it's something. He surely no longer enjoys being a pasture puff.

Yesterday I went out to feed and held a friend's little girl so she could pet the ponies. I love kids and horses. Seriously love them. So I've offered to let her come back and go for a little lead-line ride. : ) I think they'd both love it.

As for me, I just bide my time. I'm hoping it won't be too much longer before this is all over and I'm able to carry on in my life. Get back to riding before winter is upon us, and I start wussing out.

I'm struggling a lot with the fact that my dog will be spending the winter with my parents. I of course, worry about how they'll feel with the responsibility of caring for her every day. Dogs are a lot of work. That being said, I know they love her and I deeply, and are there for me right now. If I had known sooner that the BF would change his mind about caring for the dog, I would have chosen a dog-friendly place. Too late to go back, instead I must simply focus on the present and deal appropriately.

In that same way, I'm looking forward to the time I'll spend with her. I aim to pick her up often for doggie trips (she loves going swimming with her best friend out at the barn), and my dad has already assured me that A. I'd be out for Football Season, and B. We'd be snowmobiling together this winter. Yes, the dog snowmobile's too. : )

So while she won't be there every morning when I awake, and I know I will miss her dearly, we'll find a way to carry on our partnership. There will be many, many days spent working on the property, which she loves. And soon, come springtime, she and I will get to move "home", to our own farm, and carry on our adventures there.
__________

Early on in the break-up, I made one very profound statement. I turned to my ex-BF and said: "I need my creatures."

And I do.
__________

I hope it's not too much longer until we're set free...

Still here.

I've been MIA.

Now for Pony-News:

Maybe 2 weeks ago, I went for my first ride on Moon since his leg injury. He was still a little head-bobbing at a trot, so after a couple of laps of a friends outdoor ring, we called it a day.

Yesterday after haying was the first time in awhile I was able to visit him again. Yes, visit. His cut leg was improved but still thicker than normal and a little warm to touch.

I wanted to see how he moved out, since it's been awhile and we all know the healing process overall can take awhile. So I grabbed my clip-on roper reins, snapped them to his bridle in the paddock and vaulted onto his back.

He trotted off nicely, maybe a little stiff through the neck and oppositionary. Then I asked for canter.

Well, in the good news, his transition was timely.

In bad news...he seems to have taken a bit to putting his head down and bucking lightly after a few canter steps.

Not sure if this is because of all the time off, or a different problem. Seems only when he's bareback thus far...

Thankfully, even bareback, I stick to the bugger like glue.

Brat.

We did more canter transitions (with more attempts to get his head down), more trotting, and then I brought him in for a much needed grooming and his supper.

It was short, sweet and I really do miss him. I'm set for a trail ride with a friend on Friday (soooo excited!), and then will give the gymkhana a try on Saturday. Might keep it to a walk-trot, or just show up and watch. We'll play it by ear.
________________

In other news, I'm crazy busy, seem too short on time and am really excited that I should have TONS of pony time this Fall/Winter.  :  )  So I suppose all the busy-ness will be worth it in the end. : )  Just 48 hours until I ride again!